| Monday, March 27
By Frank Hughes
Special to ESPN.com |
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I'm listening to the radio the other day, and I hear this story about this
woman who goes into this fast-food restaurant and fills out a job application.
Well, filling out the job application was just a ruse, because in the
middle of filling it out, she held up the place and took all its money.
|  | | Isaiah Rider hangs his head low during a news conference after being waived by Atlanta. |
Unfortunately for her, she wasn't the most saucy Big Mac in the heating
bin -- which is probably why she was applying for a job at a fast food joint.
As it turns out, she really did fill out the application with accurate
information, leading Johnny Law right to her own front door.
I think she was Isaiah Rider's sister.
How dumb is J.R? (I know he wants to be called Isaiah, but people in hell
want a glass of ice water, and they're not going to get that from me, either).
He couldn't just take his $1.5 million for doing nothing and be happy, he
has to create this whole intricate scheme where Atlanta Hawks teammates
Dikembe Mutombo and LaPhonso Ellis told on him and got him kicked off the
team for smoking dope.
In the process, didn't it dawn on J.R. just once that coming out with this
paranoid delusion was basically announcing over a Sears Tower-sized bullhorn:
"I'M SMOKING DOPE. I'M SMOKING DOPE."
Here's what I think happened: J.R. was stoned to the bejeezus when he was told he was being punished. Because he was stoned, he was paranoid. And because he was paranoid, he came up with this story.
The next morning he probably woke up and went, "Oops." Then, he went,
"Where's my stash?"
While most NBA players are screaming, "Pass the ball, pass the ball," J.R.
is constantly screaming, "Pass the hookah."
So hotel security apparently had alerted Hawks GM Pete Babcock that there
was evidence in J.R.'s room of marijuana use.
What did he have, a six-pack of Pepsi up there?
And if you are a member of the Hawks, do you ever tell Bimbo Coles
ANYTHING that is going on? And Coles wonders why he lost his point guard job.
There's a reason, after all, that his name is Bimbo.
Oh, and how's that new drug policy the NBA instituted working? The Hawks
know for, what, several months that J.R. is toking like a member of The
Wailers, and he apparently never got drug tested once, never got suspended
for lighting up, and probably, if some imbecilic team ever signs him again --
which I'm quite certain they will -- he will not get drug tested in the
future.
Memo to Dave: You might want to revise that drug testing thingamajig. It
doesn't seem to be working.
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Speaking of doesn't seem to be working, how about Hakeem Olajuwon's
body.
Now, I'm sure I am going to piss off a lot of people, and I admit that I
could be completely wrong here, but I am of the opinion that his health
problems have something to do with the regimented diet he has as a direct
result of being a Muslim.
Olajuwon had a religious rebirth, of sorts, in the early-1990s, when he
went back to his Muslim roots and ate fastidiously, observing Ramadan, a
period where one can't eat anything until sundown.
I don't know much, but I do know this is not healthy. It's commendable,
but it is not healthy.
Where I grew up, I always heard how breakfast was the most important meal
because it gives you energy for the day. Well, when you push breakfast to 7
o'clock at night, I'm thinking you are lacking a little energy.
Skeptics to my theory point out that Olajuwon won two championships while
observing his religious beliefs. And I'm not saying that he is not a talented
player, or that the body cannot endure things like Ramadan for a while.
But it seems to me the cumulative effects of eating the way he does,
particularly a man of his size, are causing his body to have an adverse
reaction.
Olajuwon is too good an athlete to be suffering from asthma. Before that
it was atriol fibrillation. Before that, it was anemia. Plus, he has had
problems with his knees.
The guy's body is breaking down, and I can only think of one reason why
that might be.
However, I can think of no good reason why Mark Cuban would want to bring
back Don Nelson for another season of basketball decision-making.
This guy should be a foreign ambassador, he can con people so well. You've
got a disagreement in Yugoslavia? We've got your man. Issues with China? Send
Donnie Boy. He'll get things patched up.
Good gracious, what does this man say to sway people so much?
What did he say to actually make Cuban ignore the legacy of what the
Dallas Mavericks have become. Here's the best thing I can say about the
Mavericks: Well, they're not the Clippers.
And yet, Nelson is coming back, yet again. How can Cuban ignore Shawn
Bradley? How can he ignore Erick Strickland? How can he ignore Robert Pack?
This team is not good. It is not about to be good. One win streak in the
middle of January never made them good. But Nelson has Cuban believing they
are.
Seems to me, Cuban may have been up in that room with J.R.
Frank Hughes covers the NBA for the Tacoma (Wash.) News-Tribune. He is a regular contributor to ESPN.com. |  |
Fouled Out: Enough recycled coaches!
