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Tale of the Tape: Men's hoops vs. women's hoops
By Nick Bakay
Page 2

Basketball -- the one team sport that boasts a degree of equality between the sexes. Bottom line, you can bet 'em both, college and pro ... although my hat's off to anyone who knows their way around a WNBA teaser card.

However, with equality comes competition. As a man, I feel a deep-seated need to pick a clear winner. I don't care if it's on the playing field, in the boardroom, or on a romantic getaway, I want to see someone on top.

It's time to examine the battle of the sexes: men's hoops versus women's hoops, let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape:

Bakay's Tale of the Tape: Men's hoops vs. women's hoops
Category	Men's hoops	Women's hoops	Advantage
3 points	A shot from way downtown	You're lazy, your promises are meaningless, and I'm sleeping with pool boy.	Men's hoops
Officials	Refs	Mediators	Push. No one wins with the zebras, kids.
Favorite Billy Crystal movie	"My Giant"	"Forget Paris"	Push
What they call their groupies	Hoochies	Ball boys	Push -- whatever gets you through the night
Do they dunk?	Yes	No, unless you count Puritan punishment for witches, and I do!	Push
How they argue with coach	Choke him	Pull her hair	Push
When they have children	Nine months after every road trip	After their playing careers are over	Women's hoops
Trash talk	"Get that weak **** out of my face!"	"That sweat band is soooo last year!"	Men's hoops
Blessed with a God-given ability to ...	Fill the world with bad rap	Burst into tears	Women's hoops
When tempers flare	A healthy sense of competition	Cat Fight! Cat Fight!	Women's hoops
Secret shame	Too scared to admit they don't "get" the triangle offense	Too tall to date anyone in Hollywood	Push
Favorite Stooge	Curly	Bobby Knight	Women's hoops

So there you have it. It's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a stunner, the advantage goes to women's hoops. I guess I'm feeling mixed emotions: As a man I mourn, yet my feminine side can't suppress a girlish giggle.

But the really telling stat will be who has a sense of humor about this ... What's that noise? Hmmm. Sounded like my wife closing a suitcase ... Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie ...

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.