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Bakay's Tale of the Tape:
Now & Zen for Phil
By Nick Bakay
Page 2

Coming off the Lakers' dominant two-game sweep of the Spurs on the road, tell me the Zen Hoopster isn't secretly thinking "Dynasty 2 -- Electric Boogaloo"?


	Phil Jackson is on the verge of a repeat in L.A. after winning six titles in Chicago.

Oh sure, the current edition of the once-mighty Bulls have a better shot at reminding Phil Jackson of his years with the Albany Patroons, but way back in the last millennium they were the gold standard.

Granted, things might get interesting if Mike gathers the Prostate Posse for one last Wiz, but in the meantime there is no disputing that Jax is the singular Dynastic Link.

So it's time to take a long, hard look at both editions: Chicago Phil, L.A. Phil. Let's take a cleansing breath, choose the road less traveled, look deep into our spirits and see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape ...

Phil's Bulls vs. Phil's Lakers
Category	Chicago Phil	L.A. Phil	Advantage
Icons that enrich a warrior's enivornment	A gym festooned with sacred tribal talismans	Jack Nicholson explaining the shot clock to his 19-year-old date	Chicago
Visions that test a warrior's heart	The sight of Jerry Krause scarfing down a hot dog	Watching Isaiah Rider struggle with the nuances of telling time	Push
The meaning of a triangle	A potent offense	The plot to this week's Dawsonąs Creek!	Chicago
Required reading	Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance	Zen and the Art of Shutting Out the Annoying Gibberish of Dyan Cannon	Chicago
The challenge	Convincing his players to stop crying after Jordan humiliated them in practice	Convincing Shaq and Kobe to share	Push
Tribal markings	The Worm -- more piercings than the cover girl on this month's "Outlaw Biker"	Shaq's Superman tattoo	L.A.
Miracles	You found a way to win with Luc Longley	You have become so powerful you can date the owner's daughter	Chicago
Distractions on the road to victory	The tough love of Jerry Reinsdorf	The jiggling love of the Laker Girls	L.A. -- Yes! And it counts! And he'll go to the line with the ol' lower chakra!
Assets	Michael Jordan, ESPN's athlete of the century	Fans who are too busy using their cell phones to boo	Chicago
Winning visualizations	Splicing powerful movie footage into game tapes	Avoiding scenes from Shaq's movies	Chicago
Provincial reactions to his Indian headdress	He must be off his medication	He must be doing extra work on "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman"	Push
Rebellions	The day Scottie Pippen refused to re-enter a game	The day his entire team refused to share a home with the Clippers	Push
What it took to get him there	Bus fare out of the CBA	Five years, 30 million	Push!
Eternal questions	Would he have won without Jordan?	Will my shaman spiritualism work in a city with more religious sects than Starbucks?	The eternal yin-yang of everything and nothingness we call ... Pushhhhh.

So, there you have it, it's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a trouncing that defies the gentle Tai Chi of basketball, the advantage goes to ... Chicago Phil.

Hey, six rings is a tough act to follow, but this is a man who got both Jordan and Shaq to pass the ball, thus all things are possible.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Humorist Nick Bakay, currently a writer for the CBS sitcom "King of Queens," is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Page 2. He has a Web site at http://nickbakay.com.