If, like me, you suffer from a casual grip on reality, then your fantasy
football drafts are either looming or finished. You probably pulled a few
all-nighters re-racking your tight ends list and still ended up with Dave
Casper, but the thrill of fantasy football endowed your life with the
illusion of actually owning and operating a football team.
| REAL OWNERS VS. FANTASY OWNERS |
| Category |
|
NFL owners |
|
Fantasy owners |
|
Advantage |
| League names |
|
The NFL |
|
The Justice League of America |
|
Fantasy owners, and freedom! |
| Typical team names |
|
The Cincinnati Bengals |
|
The Testosteroons |
|
Fantasy owners -- to those who know them, The Testosteroons are
actually synonymous with winning. At last count, Cinci was a decent CFL team. |
| Outbursts at owners' meetings |
|
"Mr. Davis, you can't move again!" |
|
"OK, who farted?" |
|
Push -- there are no winners here. |
| Salary cap |
|
$64 million a year |
|
Whatever's left from the $50 your parents loaned you for a
tooth filling |
|
NFL owners |
| Prerequisites |
|
More cash than an entire generation of strippers |
|
More free time than Eric Gregg |
|
Fantasy owners |
| How they made their money |
|
Investments |
|
Huh? |
|
NFL owners |
| Team mascots |
|
An unemployed, bipolar loner in a Viking costume |
|
A bobblehead football doll blessed by Deepak Chopra |
|
Fantasy owners |
| The price of victory |
|
Rivals raid your free agents |
|
Rivals raid your fridge |
|
Fantasy owners |
| Draft locations |
|
Manhattan |
|
The house of the owner with the most tolerant wife |
|
NFL owners. Like fantasy guys actually have wives! |
| You are responsible for |
|
The hopes and dreams of your city |
|
The hopes and dreams of you, and your imaginary friend
"Kevin" |
|
Fantasy owners. Kevin will never hang you in effigy. |
| War rooms |
|
The grand ballroom of a fancy hotel.
|
|
A folding chair and TV tray near the bathroom. |
|
Fantasy owners -- did you see that episode of "20-20" with the
infrared hotel camera?! |
| Draft-day nightmares |
|
You used your first-round pick on a kid who chooses the ministry. |
|
You used your first-round pick on Jamal Lewis. |
|
Push |
| Owner's retreats |
|
Takin' the Lear jet to The Phoenician |
|
Taking your mom's Pinto to Hooters |
|
NFL owners |
| War chests |
|
You can always sell a Picasso to sweeten a signing bonus. |
|
You can always sell a kidney on eBay to keep your electricity on. |
|
NFL owners |
| The commissioner's office |
|
An upscale office in Manhattan |
|
A pay phone in a doughnut shop |
|
Push -- fines are levied either way. |
| Game-day uniforms |
|
Vestamente and Ferragamo |
|
Underpants and black socks |
|
NFL owners |
| Cutting a player |
|
Face to face, as his 380 pounds sweats up your leather couch |
|
One click of the old mouse |
|
Fantasy owners |
| Mementos of a winning season |
|
Super Bowl ring |
|
Polyurethane beer cozy -- hopefully with "Testosteroons"
spelled correctly this time! |
|
Push. There are no losers in winning. |
